Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D

A HAPPY CONJUGAL HOUSEHOLD

Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette

In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.

In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Quran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.

Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.

THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES

1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.

2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Quran reads:

...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.


He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.

Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."

3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"

4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:

In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.

The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.

The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details.

We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.

They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.

After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Quran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.

It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:


Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:

Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.


In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.

5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.

6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:


There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.

[...]

8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.

Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.


A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
THE WIFE'S DUTIES

1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.

2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.

3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.

4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.

5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:

O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.

[...]

An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:

1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.

2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.

3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.

4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.

5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.

Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of UK
Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters, answers some
frequently asked questions about marriage. These questions are
taken from the magazine called "Trends".

*********Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one's cousin or
is the reverse true - marry from afar to produce strong
progeny?

It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one's cousin nor
is the reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strong
progeny. This whole question is left to the social customs or
norms.

I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal society
that the cousin has the social right upon his female cousin and
that she is not to be offered to him first. No one may propose
to her until he has expressed his wish not to marry her. In a
way, within the Arab, particularly tribal societies, they
consider marrying within the family, more honourable, more
protective; keeping lineage pure and well established.

However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly to
the Messenger of Allah, "Marry from outside the family,
otherwise your offspring will be weak." In fact this, or
something similar, is correctly attributed to Umar ibn
Al-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, "Your offspring are
becoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin." In
discouraging this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deen
says, "Familiarity and close family tie weaken the sexual desire
in both of them. As a result, children become weak." This is not
a good reason. For surely, when partners marry, after a few
months they become familiar, there may be nothing new to attract
as they know each other inside out, but the natural desire is
there.

However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of close
relatives leads to the accumulation of negative inherited
qualities. For scientific reasons therefore it may be advisable
to marry from afar.

******* Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?

Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches.
The possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with or
familiarising oneself with the male partner-to-be was not widely
available. It was left to families, who know one another in
static immovable communities, to arrange such a proposal.
Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the family
setting. If they like one another, the match may go further and
marriage preparation proceed.

One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day that
he proposed to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, "Have you seen
her?" He said, "No".He said to him, "See her. For this would
bless your marriage with success". The same is true as far as
the girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given the
girl the right to express her views on the proposed person. He
said, "The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she
does not object, her silence is her permission." As for the
divorced or one who is widowed, no one has a say with her.

That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in accepting
or rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way.
Nowadays girls go to school and proceed to universities. They
meet with boys in classrooms, Islamic societies and at
universities up and down the country. They get to know one
another in a decent moral environment. They are mature, well
educated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be taken
into consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamicly
committed young Muslim attracts the attention of a like minded
Muslimah, their parents have to be reasonable. Of course, they
are interested in the happiness and success of the marriage of
their son or daughter, but they have to realise that they are
not buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion and
love for their children should not make them extra protective or
act as a barrier between their children and their children's
future. In the words of the hadith "If a person with satisfying
religious attitude comes to seek your daughter in marriage,
accept that. If you do not, there will be great mischief on
earth and a great trouble." At the same time young people who
are blessed with education have to show patience, understanding
and should argue their case in a rational and respectable
manner.

************ What should we look for in a partner?

It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people are
individuals and as such have different priorities when selecting
a life long partner. However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) has
given us some clues as to what is to be desired most in both men
and women. Because it is usually the male who proposes, the
address in the hadith is directed to the male would-be-suitor.
He said, "A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for her
beauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the last
and you will be the more successful." The same holds for the
female in the choice of a partner.

However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of the
qualities satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that is
required in the young woman, it is required in the man too.
Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW) as saying, "Do not give
your daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For they desire of
men what men desire of women."

The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, "My
face and his face will never look at one another" He asked her,
"Why?" She said, "I looked at him coming in the company of other
of his friends and he was the shortest and the ugliest." The
messenger asked her, "Will you return to him the dower he has
given you?" She replied, "Even if he asks more, I shall give it
to him." The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, "Take what you have
given her and release her." He did.

The age difference between potential partners should not be too
great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is
twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or
another, accepts, or he accepts, then it is their choice. But
they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the
implications of such a marriage.

A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and he
proposed to her. She looked at him and said, "I accept, but
there is a snag". He enquired to which she answered, "I have
some grey hair." The man passed on without a word. She called
out, "My uncle, look at my hair!" She had hair as black as coal.
He said to her, "Why did you say what you did?" She answered,
"To let you know that we do not like of men what they do not
like of women."

Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life long
relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the
relationship should be avoided as much as possible. Highly
educated males and females should seek partners of similar
educational background. Cultural and family background is very
important. Common language is an essential way of communicating.
Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and
relate to one another and are factors of stability and success.

Financial independence and the ability to provide a decent
acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of
insuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy
life.

All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases for
new human experience which is expected to provide a framework
for a happy, successful and amicable life. All this is to be
considered within the context of Muslims living in Britain
today.

A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. A
Muslim man has to think very seriously indeed before marrying a
woman from the people of the book and conversion just for the
sake of marriage may not be a genuine reason. In a non-Muslim
country a Muslim man has no right to bring up his children as
Muslims, and this obligation particularly if love gradually
dries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.

The question of common language, background, education and age
etc. are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise the
chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic
institution - that of marriage. However, considering the
particular position of Muslim communities living in minority
situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all
sorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial or
social. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is
a religious one. As far as language, background, or social
position are concerned, these are not significant factors that
absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place,
indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslims
living in Britain as they have common language - English, and
the social positions of their families in their countries of
origins may well be equalised living in Britain. If the
prospective partner is of a good character, strong religious
inclination and the two young people are happy and feel
compatible with one another other considerations are not of such
importance.

******* Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for
his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the
same race/caste?

There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a
fact of life. The Qur'an considers the difference of race,
colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah:
"And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and
the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are
signs for men of knowledge."(Ar-Rum:22).

In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human
equality and brotherhood: "Oh mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and
tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most
honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most
pious."

There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his
commentary on this Qur'anic verse where the messenger of Allah
condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For
the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from
a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying
among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of
AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies
of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.

But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they
start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the
daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable,
pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He
complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, "Leave it to me and I
will get him to retract from that." When Amr met Salman he said
to him, "Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the
Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give
you his daughter in marriage." Salman felt slighted by this and
thought and retorted, "By Allah, I will never accept to marry
his daughter!"

Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of
Muhammad ibn Ja'far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious.
He said to Muhammad, "You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite
women to a slave from Thaqif!" and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to
divorce her.

So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright.
It does not make a difference whether the parents are well
educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in
Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young
educated people who find themselves locked in such situations
have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would
advise them to read my article, "Guardianship in Marriage' (See
page 11 for details).

******* Should children deliberately go about altering the views
of their parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they
know is allowed but frowned upon by the others?

This should be the last resort if they really are very
emotionally attached to one another. Marriage is a solemn,
important bond. It cannot be played about with as a means of
changing die-hard customs. The marrying couple will be the
first victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if they
really love one another, so that this love may sustain them
until they are able to change the attitude of their parents,
then well and good. Though, it will not change the attitude of
the whole community.

However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type of
relationship just to change people. It may prove that the couple
do not have the common cause to sustain this gesture of
rejection. They themselves may reject the attempt. The
consequences of such actions can be far reaching.

******* What are the rituals of marriage of that are the
sacred/important ones?

There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simple
form of expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife.
The procedure is as follows: There is a young man wishing to get
married and a young woman who is ready for marriage. Their
families know one another and so the man's family approaches the
woman's family - (The opposite is also appropriate). If there is
acceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,
exploring - in a chaperoned, not in a private manner - with one
another. If they choose to settle down, some gifts may be
exchanged and a date set for the announcement of the match and
working out of the marriage preparations. The families may
arrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or house
where the formal Islamic agreement may take place.

The woman's guardian, usually the father, will say to the
would-be-husband, "I give you my daughter, (the girl in my
guardianship), in marriage in accordance to the Islamic
Shari'ah, in the presence of the witnesses here with the dowry
agreed upon. And Allah is our best witness."

The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, "I accept
marrying your daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself" -
repeating the other words. Thus, the marriage is concluded.

It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold it
in a mosque and to have some form of entertainment. In the words
of the Prophet(SAW), "Declare this marriage, have it in the
mosque and beat the drums." This is used to be the best the way
of establishing that great, sacred relationship.

******* What is dowry and who gives it to whom?

The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim woman
as part of the correct contract of marriage. The Qur'an states
in chapter 4, verse 4: "And give the women their dowries as a
free gift, but if they are pleased to offer you any of it accept
it with happiness and with wholesome pleasure."

The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: "the wealth the
wife deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract of
marriage on the consummation."

So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctly
wedded wife. It is enjoined by the Qur'an, the practical
examples of the Messenger of Allah and the consensus of the
companions of the Prophet(SAW).

There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of the
community play a great part in deciding the agreed amount to be
given as dower. In the past, families would ask of a dower
which reflects the social status of them. After the spread of
education and the maturity of age of both husband and wife,
families began to relax this custom, taking into consideration
that young people who start work after graduation do not have
much money to offer for the girls they have going to marry.
Families have come to the realisation that dower is a symbolic
gesture. It is good to start building their family life without
incurring a debt which may ruin their happiness and future
prospects. If both husband and wife are working, the families
may prefer that the young couple build their life from scratch
together, rather than burdening them with hefty dower which they
cannot afford.

It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband.
This is not a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamic
requirement is not because the man is going to buy the woman, it
is to express his love, care and the dignity of the woman.
Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, is
considered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because it
expresses these feelings.

******* Is it necessary to have a civil marriage?

It is important to have a marriage registered with the civil
authority so that it may be recognised. There are many legal
implications as a result of such a registration. Firstly, it is
the recognised marriage in this country. The civil marriage if
it is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses amounts to
a correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect which
leads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating,
although these things are not required Islamicly.

Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement to
inheritance, pension and legal documentation are not accepted by
the authority. For the sake of legality it must be registered.

In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrative
obligation to register the marriage. This is to officiate and
recognise all aspects that come from the marital relationship.
So, if for nothing else, it is a must for the sake of the
children.

********** Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is
one required to spend huge sums on a wedding?

Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages.
Moderation is the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim's
life. Weddings should not be ostentatious nor are they supposed
to be expressions of pride and competition. It is not fair for
the parents or the young couple to start their life debt ridden
as a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of hours or a
little longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage should
not be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties,
expensive hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided.
But at the same time, it should not be a dull and gloomy
occasion. It is an occasion of great joy and happiness and
should be celebrated as such.

The most important is the walima - the dinner party. It is the
sunnah so that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come to
share the joy of the occasion, to give thanks to Allah and to
entertain needy people within the community.

This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was the
responsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW)
saw some coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about it
and AbdurRahman replied, "I got married". The Prophet(SAW) told
him, "Make a walima with at least one lamb." The Prophet(SAW)
himself made a number of walimas each time he got married. The
walimas differed according to the financial position of the
time. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly three
hundred people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On other
occasions the Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bring
whatever food was available.

The important part is the coming together, sharing the happiness
and advertising the new relationship in a moderate and
inexpensive manner.

********** Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities
where girls or boys marry without parental consent,
knowledge or approval?

The word used in the question, `secret', is anathema to the
concept of marriage which is a relationship built to secure
peace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights and
obligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These include
the honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family and
relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances,
even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they
face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the
young couple tire of one another after taking what they want
from one another? Who loses in such situations? That is why
Muslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even though
other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that the
Shari'ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every
available way. They quote a number of statements of the
Prophet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, "There
is no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Any
arrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid." Another
statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, "Any marriage not attended
by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. They
are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses."

Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as
common marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well
documented marriage. The first is when marriage takes place
without being officially recorded. But it takes place within the
family, is known among the friends and neighbours but for other
reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing
unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious
marriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.

The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question.
When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two
friends to witness the marriage with the understanding that they
do not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did not
register it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquil
marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The
comment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of
the Islamic Shari'ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is
that "We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is
far from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls'
honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as a
judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases
resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah's Shari'ah has to be
respectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in this
particular matter must be shunned."

And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.

Guardianship in Marriage by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah
Publications FAO Ashfaq Ali, 841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3
8QJ