Enjoining the Good and Forbidding the Evil
All praise is due to Allah. We praise Him. We seek His assistance and forgiveness. We believe in Him and place our trust in Him.
We seek refuge in Allah from the mischief of our souls and our bad actions.
He whom Allah guides no one can mislead,
and he whom Allah misleads,
no one can guide.
We bear testimony that there is no deity except Allah.
He is alone and has no partner and we bear testimony that
our leader and master Muhammad is His Servant and Messenger.
O Allah, shower your everlasting peace and blessings
on him and on his descendants and his companions.
Almighty Allah says in the Holy Qur’an:
“O Mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam) and from him He created his wife (Eve), and from them He created many men and women. Fear Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (reverence) the wombs (kinship). Surely, Allah ever watches over you.” (4:1)
“O you who believe! Fear Allah as He should be
feared. And die not except in the state of
Islam (as Muslims).” (3:102)
“O you who believe! Keep your duty to Allah and fear him, and speak (always) the truth. He will direct you to do righteous good deeds and will forgive you your sins. And whosoever obeys Allah and His Messenger he has indeed achieved a great achievement.” (34:70-71)
The Holy Prophet said:
“Marry such women as are affectionate, child producing for I wish to
outnumber the nations through you.”
(Abu Dawood & Nasai)
“Nikah is my Sunnah.” (Ibn Majah)
“Whosoever turns away from my Sunnah is not of me.” (Bukhari)
Friends! On this auspicious occasion of Nikah, I pray to Almighty Allah that He may instil Muhabbat (love and affection) between the married couple, that through this bond of marriage, pious and righteous children are born, and also that Muhabbat and Ulfat (loving bond) is created between the families of the married couple. In addition, I invoke unto Almighty Allah that He may find for all our young boys and girls pious and suitable partners (Ameen).This Nikah is a noble Sunnat of the Holy Prophet . Simplicity would be the hallmark of every Nikah performed by the Holy Prophet . We are instructed in the Hadith that when a suitable partner is found for a girl, then haste should be made in performing the Nikah. A major reason for the marked increase in the number of unmarried boys and girls in present-day society stems mainly from neglecting the sound advice given in this Hadith. Nowadays the Nikah is delayed in spite of having found a suitable partner for ones son or daughter. For the sake of personal convenience, like going on a holiday or waiting for the arrival of some guest, or some other programme, we unnecessarily delay the marriage.
I am conscious that this moment is one of joy and happiness. I do not want to dampen it. But I must also digress a bit from the main topic of marriage and express the anguish of my heart at the suffering of fellow Muslims, while we continue to indulge in comforts and luxuries. As you know, the Holy Prophet and his Companions did not avail of luxuries despite having the opportunity to do so; instead, they made rigorous Mujahadah (endeavour). By the Barakah (blessings) of their Mujahadah each Companion became a great warrior, who strove and persevered.
When we look inward into our own lives it reveals quite the opposite. We have become so attached to worldly comforts and luxuries that it has, indeed, become difficult for us to discharge our own necessities without relying on others. Over indulgence in ease and comforts is also a significant reason for our misfortune and downfall. If only we realized the true concept of Islamic brotherhood then to continue in extravagant celebrations would really hit the raw inner of our consciousness. Presently, throughout the world, hundreds and thousands of fellow Muslims are suffering at the hands of non Muslims. So many of them are held captives by the enemies of Allah, and the respect and dignity of so many others is being looted, and above all, our brothers and sisters are helpless with no one to confront the perpetrators of their misery. In this dire situation, our brothers and sisters are really in need of every sip of water, every piece of grain and every single penny. Oh friends, is this really a time to indulge in extravagant celebrations, merrymaking and rejoicing? This is surely against the trend of Islamic brotherhood, and I say, it is also against humanity! When you see the abundant favours of Allah so freely granted - especially when you sit to eat - then your eyes should be filled with tears. At the same time, reflect on the plight and suffering borne by Muslims in Bosnia, Somalia, Philippines, Burma and so many other places. Muslims whose situation is most distressing. Despite what prevails before our eyes, are we going to be like the ostrich with its head in the sand?
In this present era, the warning bells of danger to our Faith can be heard ringing aloud. Although the situation is better here (as compared to that in other countries) but we cannot be complacent. The tide of moral and religious degeneration is reigning down on us from all sides. We regularly hear incidents of how our progeny is being exposed to the ills prevalent in this society. We must, therefore, be aware of the dangers and maintain a vigilant eye. We should reflect on what is happening and take a firm grasp of the declining moral and religious situation in this society.
In spite of hearing the plight and misery of Muslims, our feelings seem to remain static, and we are largely unresponsive to their plight. We should try to alter this kind of outlook. Most importantly, we should try and generate a genuine feeling for our Muslim brothers and sisters. We should consider their suffering as our own. We should not behave in apathetic manner, unaware of what is happening to them. Let us conduct ourselves honourably, sharing their woes and grief wherever they may be in the world. Their suffering, displacement and slaughter should be felt by all of us.
I have deliberately shed light on this subject because, nowadays, our wedding functions have become such that vast sums of money are spent and this suggests a kind of indifference to the suffering of Muslim at large. I, for one, do not condone this kind of attitude. On occasions like this, I only wish that greater accountability would be taken. As I have already explained, there are so many Muslims throughout the world in need, so many oppressed, so many destitute and so many in need of every grain, yet our inner eyes remain closed. As Hazrat Shaikhul Hadith Maulana Muhammad Zakaria Saheb Rahmatullahi alai once wrote to his daughter, saying, “Oh daughter! When we depart from this world, our eyes will really open. Only then will we realize!”
Thus, we will only truly realize the extent of our self-deception once we have left this transitory world. How we deceived our own selves. Only then will we truly appreciate the significance of assisting the needy and helpless Muslims. If we are not able to do anything else, then, at least we should develop a sincere concern for our fellow Muslims and pray for them. Even this will not be overlooked by Almighty Allah, who will, Inshallah, accord us with much blessing and reward.
I now return to the subject of my initial discussion, that Nikah is a noble Sunnat of the Prophet . This sublime act is such that it cannot accommodate any other custom; simplicity, as I explained at the outset, is its hallmark. As such, there is no need for a large assembly or congregation for its commemoration.
I will now briefly mention the nature of simplicity observed in weddings conducted at the time of the Holy Prophet . Once the Holy Prophet noticed a stain of Itr (perfume) on the garment of one of his Companion, Hazrat Jabir ibn Abdullah . Although use of Itr was Sunnat, it would generally be applied only for special occasions like a wedding, or on significant days like Friday and Eid. Seeing the blot, the Holy Prophet enquired of Hazrat Jabir ibn Abdullah : “Have you married?” He replied, “Yes.” The Holy Prophet further asked, “Whom did you marry, a virgin or a widow?” He replied, “A widow.” The Holy Prophet said, “Why did you not choose a virgin, that you might play with her and she might play with you? I see you as a young man.” Hazrat Jabir ibn Abdullah replied most gracefully, saying: “O Prophet , my father was martyred in the battle of Uhad. He left behind nine small sisters. Had I married a virgin then she would have become the tenth. That is why I have married a widow, so that with her age and experience she could provide upbringing and training for my sisters.”
From this incident we can deduce that despite the presence of the Holy Prophet in Madina Munawwarah, there was no question of delaying the Nikah to the extent of even informing let alone inviting him.
Thus, in the time of the Prophet , whenever a suitable partner was found for a boy or girl, the Nikah would be conducted without delay. It would not be treated as something so significant as to require the attention or approval of the Holy Prophet . For this reason Hazrat Shaikh Rahmatullahi alai used to say, “I can’t understand all these formalities for Nikah, because Nikah is an Ibadat (act of worship). When someone intends to perform two Rakats of Salat then must he print posters and send everyone cards asking them to assemble in the Jame Masjid before performing the two Rakats?” What a beautiful explanation Hazrat Shaikh provided. Since Nikah is also an Ibadat, then what is the need to print cards and gather a large congregation?
Hazrat himself practised what he preached. He married two of his daughters with Hazrat Jee Maulana Yusuf Saheb and Hazrat Jee Maulana Inamul Hasan Saheb respectively. The occasion of their marriage coincided with the annual graduation ceremony at Mazahirul Uloom, Saharanpur. Both prospective son-in-laws were to graduate. Hazrat, prior to leaving for the graduation ceremony, went home and called out that I propose to wed Maulana Yusuf with such a daughter and Maulana Inamul Hasan with such a daughter, naming each daughter. This was the only type of announcement made in advance of the wedding.
Hazrat Maulana Ihtishamul Haq Saheb, who happened to be the maternal uncle of the daughters and also the brother-in-law of Hazrat Shaikh, as well as being a member of the household, became upset at not being consulted about the marriage. He protested saying that he was the maternal uncle of the girls, and as such, he should at least have been consulted prior to their Nikah. However, Hazrat’s stance remained the same. As Nikah is an Ibadat what is the need to notify everyone. The participants of the marriage were informed and that was sufficient.
On the contrary, we have created so many unnecessary formalities that if perchance the wedding feast is not held on the day of the wedding, we make full amends by holding a large Walimah (a meal after consummating the marriage) the following day.
The practise of Walimah was also celebrated by the Holy Prophet but not in the same manner in which we are accustomed to. When Khaiber was conquered, among the prisoners of war included Hazrat Safiyyah , the daughter of a Jewish chief. Hazrat Dihya Qalbi requested the Holy Prophet for a maid. The Prophet said, “Go and take any slave girl.” He took Hazrat Safiyya . At this, the other Sahabah approached the Prophet and said: “O, Prophet of Allah! Banu Nazir and Banu Quraizah (the Jewish tribes of Madinah) will feel offended to see the daughter of a Jewish chief working as a maid. We therefore suggest that she is only suitable for you.” The Prophet called Dihya and said, “Take any seven slave girls but leave her (i.e. Safiyya).” The Prophet then freed her from slavery and married her. In the tradition reported in Sahih Al-Bukhari, we are further told that they had left Khaiber and on the way, Umme Sulaim dressed her for marriage and at night she sent her as a bride. The following day Walimah feast was arranged with whatever was available.
The point I really want to elicit from this story is the manner in which the Walimah was organized. It was such a simple affair. The Holy Prophet asked his companions to bring their own food. He spread out an eating mat and some brought dates and others cooking butter. This was the manner in which the Walimah of Allah’s Messenger was
celebrated.
Friends! The teachings of our religion, as exemplified by the Holy Prophet , impress upon us simplicity. We need to change our approach and attitude to life and adopt these simple and noble practises.
I again reiterate that there is need for us to change our present outlook. We should replace our indifference and apathy to the suffering borne by fellow Muslims and replace it with a genuine feeling of love and consideration. Only then will we merit the pity of Allah. If we are sincere Muslims then let us mirror the loss sustained by our brothers and sisters. Such should be our grief that it shows on our faces, cause feelings of pain and revulsion in our hearts and makes sour the food and drink we consume. This should be a natural reaction to hearing any kind of tragedy befalling Muslims. Alas, there is a great need to re-establish true Islamic brotherhood in this day and age.
In the end, I pray to Almighty Allah that He grants us all the Tawfiq (strength and ability) to appreciate the delicate age we live in and that He fully rectifies us in all respects (Ameen).
And our last call is that all praise be to the Lord of the
worlds and peace and blessings be upon the Master of
the Messengers, his descendants and his companions.
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Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tips for Muslim couples dealing with marital disputes
Tips for Muslim couples dealing with marital disputes
All marriages have problems, minor and major, but there are certain issues, which are common to almost all couples. There are practical ways to deal with them. Here are some of the issues that cause contention amongst couples and possible solutions:
1. Money matters
The desire to become richer or more financially established, to move up the economic ladder is one common to many people, including married couples. As a result, this can cause arguments and disputes about how to earn money, how to spend it and how to invest.
One of the ways to handle this is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses and income and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities. As well, there should be openness, honesty, communication and consultation amongst couples about money issues. This way, families can meet their needs better and ways of improving a couple's financial situation can be discussed more openly and practically once this is put on paper.
2. Your in-laws
In-laws can be great friends or can become one of the most difficult family members to deal with. This is why it is important to keep certain things in mind and do certain things when relating to them so you can avoid some major hassles:
a. Remember that your spouse's parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make your spouse choose between you or them.
b. Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
c. Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
d. Don't interfere in your in-laws relationship. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it.
e. Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
f. Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.
g. Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
h. Do not go to your parents with your quarrels with your husband or wife, unless the issue is in danger of escalating. Try to solve problems between the two of you.
i. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
j. Do not forbid your spouse from seeing their family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
k.Do not tell other people your spouse and in-laws' secrets.
l. If you do not live with your in-laws, make time to get to know them. For example, invite them over at least twice a month for dinner at your place.
m. If you don't live with your in-laws, encourage your spouse to regularly check up on them.
n. Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws (i.e. no hugging or kissing).
o. Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
p. Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
q. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
r. If you didn't do this before getting married and moving in with in-laws, do this now: have a serious discussion with all parties present. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out. Things like money, household chores, etc. should be discussed.
3. Parenting
Instead of fighting about what how your son or daughter needs to be raised, agree on setting an Islamic standard for parenting. You can consult your parents and in-laws, but agree to be open and honest with each other, and be ready to compromise on some issues. Remember, the interest, in the long run, is to raise good Muslim kids. Different methods can be used for this, as long as they are Halal.
4. Stress
While things are usually more laid back in non-Western countries, a number of couples still experience a growing amount of stress. This is why there must be some respect for private space of each individual, especially if families are living together. Allowing for private time will help couples individually cope with stress in a way that is suitable for them. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.
5. Domestic violence
Domestic violence may not always lead to divorce, but it will lead to feelings of hatred between the couple, and children exposed to this are in danger of becoming abusers and/or victims themselves. Get the help of family members to sort out differences. For men, if you feel a fit of rage coming on, leave the house or the situation at least and make Wudu so you can cool off instead of venting your anger and violence against your wife.
6. Lack of domestic skills
While girls are being encouraged to become more educated, duties within the home are being less emphasized. While women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother.
As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married women may find themselves overwhelmed, and their husbands may refuse to help because they have never done that or seen their fathers doing that. Wives need to work out a household plan in cooperation with their husbands. Husbands need to become more compassionate and remember the example of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) who would help his wives in household chores. Also, mothers and mothers-in-law can help by both sharing housework and teaching daughters and daughters-in-laws skills in a compassionate way. They should try to encourage sons to help as well.
All marriages have problems, minor and major, but there are certain issues, which are common to almost all couples. There are practical ways to deal with them. Here are some of the issues that cause contention amongst couples and possible solutions:
1. Money matters
The desire to become richer or more financially established, to move up the economic ladder is one common to many people, including married couples. As a result, this can cause arguments and disputes about how to earn money, how to spend it and how to invest.
One of the ways to handle this is to simply make an easy budget which tracks expenses and income and establishes a framework for taking care of regular family necessities. As well, there should be openness, honesty, communication and consultation amongst couples about money issues. This way, families can meet their needs better and ways of improving a couple's financial situation can be discussed more openly and practically once this is put on paper.
2. Your in-laws
In-laws can be great friends or can become one of the most difficult family members to deal with. This is why it is important to keep certain things in mind and do certain things when relating to them so you can avoid some major hassles:
a. Remember that your spouse's parents have known them longer and loved them longer. Never make your spouse choose between you or them.
b. Always treat your in-laws with compassion, respect and mercy.
c. Maintain a balance between your needs and that of your in-laws.
d. Don't interfere in your in-laws relationship. If your mother-in-law has a problem with her husband, let them deal with it.
e. Don't tell your spouse how to improve their relationship with their parents.
f. Remember that mothers are usually skeptical about daughter-in-laws and fathers about son-in-laws.
g. Never compare your wife to your mother or your husband to your dad.
h. Do not go to your parents with your quarrels with your husband or wife, unless the issue is in danger of escalating. Try to solve problems between the two of you.
i. If you are supporting your parents financially inform your spouse as a matter of courtesy and clarity.
j. Do not forbid your spouse from seeing their family unless you fear for their religion and safety.
k.Do not tell other people your spouse and in-laws' secrets.
l. If you do not live with your in-laws, make time to get to know them. For example, invite them over at least twice a month for dinner at your place.
m. If you don't live with your in-laws, encourage your spouse to regularly check up on them.
n. Maintain the Adab (etiquettes) of Islam with your sister- and brother-in-laws (i.e. no hugging or kissing).
o. Give grandparents easy and reasonable access to their grandchildren.
p. Be forgiving and keep your sense of humor.
q. Remember that nobody can interfere or influence your marriage unless you allow them to.
r. If you didn't do this before getting married and moving in with in-laws, do this now: have a serious discussion with all parties present. Expectations and requirements of such a living arrangement must be worked out. Things like money, household chores, etc. should be discussed.
3. Parenting
Instead of fighting about what how your son or daughter needs to be raised, agree on setting an Islamic standard for parenting. You can consult your parents and in-laws, but agree to be open and honest with each other, and be ready to compromise on some issues. Remember, the interest, in the long run, is to raise good Muslim kids. Different methods can be used for this, as long as they are Halal.
4. Stress
While things are usually more laid back in non-Western countries, a number of couples still experience a growing amount of stress. This is why there must be some respect for private space of each individual, especially if families are living together. Allowing for private time will help couples individually cope with stress in a way that is suitable for them. The methods can vary, but as long as they are Halal and work, they can be used.
5. Domestic violence
Domestic violence may not always lead to divorce, but it will lead to feelings of hatred between the couple, and children exposed to this are in danger of becoming abusers and/or victims themselves. Get the help of family members to sort out differences. For men, if you feel a fit of rage coming on, leave the house or the situation at least and make Wudu so you can cool off instead of venting your anger and violence against your wife.
6. Lack of domestic skills
While girls are being encouraged to become more educated, duties within the home are being less emphasized. While women are not forbidden from working within Islamic guidelines, and men are encouraged to help with housework, women's primary duty is within the home as a home manager and mother.
As a result of the lack of domestic skills, many married women may find themselves overwhelmed, and their husbands may refuse to help because they have never done that or seen their fathers doing that. Wives need to work out a household plan in cooperation with their husbands. Husbands need to become more compassionate and remember the example of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) who would help his wives in household chores. Also, mothers and mothers-in-law can help by both sharing housework and teaching daughters and daughters-in-laws skills in a compassionate way. They should try to encourage sons to help as well.
The Ideal Muslim Husband: A Review
The Ideal Muslim Husband: A Review
Some points what Islam has to say about the characteristics of the ideal Muslim husband and his role, responsibilities, and rights in marriage.
Most Muslim men would like to be ideal husbands. And most Muslim women would, no doubt, like to be married to one. But, for some reason, the men are not ideal husbands, and the women will almost surely admit that they didn't marry one. So, why the discrepancy between our sincere aspirations and reality? Is it an inability on the part of the man, an impossible goal; or is it perhaps that we do not even know what an ideal Muslim husband is?
Wrong Concept of an Ideal Husband
A look at the matrimonial section of an Islamic magazine will quickly demonstrate that many Muslim men and women do not know what an ideal Muslim husband is. Muslim men looking for wives advertise themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure. Muslim women appear to be on the lookout for an established professional or more likely a handsome MD. Rarely do Muslim men and women even mention character, religious convictions, and attitudes as a priority. At most, they might be mentioned as a sidebar. It seems that many of us believe that a man is an ideal Muslim husband if he is handsome, makes a lot of money, and comes from an influential family. And the divorce rate among Muslims continues to rise.
Standard of Judging an Ideal Husband
As Muslims, we must base our judgment on what makes an ideal Muslim husband on the guidance of Allah () and the example of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS), not on the standards of a TV sitcom, the culture in which we were born, or our own materialistic mentality.
Participants on this Video
Using examples from the life of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS), the words of the Holy Quran, and personal experience, a panel of Muslim men and women --- Dr. Abdullah Hakim Quick, Dr. Jamal Badawi, Abdallah Idris Ali, Dr. Ingrid Mattison, Khadija Haffagee, Mariam Bhabha, and Abdul Malik Mujahid --- talk about the qualities of a Muslim husband and the Muslim family.
Main Contents of this Video
They discuss such matters as a husband taking advice from his wife, communication within the family, the husband's helping the wife in the house, consultation (Shura) within the family, being a good example for the children, overlooking bad qualities in one's wife and focusing on her good qualities, and sharing the responsibility of raising the children.
First Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Hot Temper
A major problem in some Muslim marriages unfortunately is the husband's hot temper and harsh behavior. Some even go so far as to abuse their wives. Dr. Quick gives a word of warning to these men who often come from cultures that teach them to be tough and macho. He says that there should be no violence between husband and wife and that Muslim men should not be the kind of tyrannical fathers whose children run away and hide when their father comes home. He says that we have to separate our non-Islamic cultures from Islam. The ideal Muslim husband will base his behavior on Islam, not on his Arab, American, or Pakistani culture.
Second Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Egoistic
Another major problem in Muslim marriages is the husband's failure to consider his wife's opinions. In fact, Abdallah Idris Ali says that the failure of the Muslim Ummah as a whole has to do with our failure in practicing the concept of Shura (consultation). People think that they are right and others are wrong, he says. We will do much better if we consider the opinions of others and let them feel that they are a part of the decision-making process. Along the same lines, Dr. Quick points out that if a woman makes a true (haqq) point, the husband should submit to it. He should in no way reject a point just because it comes from a woman. Demonstrating the huge difference between the way the Prophet (SAWS) dealt with his wives and the way Muslim men deal with their wives today, Abdallah Idris Ali tells the story of the time when Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was sleeping under one cover with his wife Ayesha, and he asked her permission to get up to pray.
Third Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Unhelpful
The failure to help in the house and to help with the raising of the children are well-known weaknesses of husbands. The video makes it clear that Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) helped in the house, and Abdul Malik Mujahid says that a man cannot be an ideal Muslim husband, or even close to a good husband, if he leaves the responsibility of children completely to the mother. Khadija Haffagee tells the story of a father who took a three-month-old infant to pray with him and after the prayer did the 'tasbih" on the child's hand. This, she said, was training by the father. Dr. Quick warns that when training our children, we should be careful not to raise sons with a double standard where they have no household responsibilities. If we do, they will likely grow up with the attitude that they don't need to do this kind of work --- that they are above it.
Prophet: An Ideal Father
As a beautiful example of a healthy father-child relationship, Abdul Malik Mujahid tells the story of how the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) used to stand up for his daughter Fatima, kiss her, and give her his seat when she came to him. This was in an age when people preferred sons and looked down on having daughters. With this simple act, the Prophet (SAWS) showed us how to express love and affection for our children --- an essential quality for an ideal Muslim husband.
An Ideal Ex-Husband
Being an ideal Muslim husband, however, goes even farther than the marriage, Dr. Quick points out. Even after a divorce, a Muslim husband must strive to be the best ex-husband. A husband shouldn't be Mr. Kindness in marriage and then treat his wife badly in divorce, Dr. Quick says. He must divorce her in the best manner with good treatment.
Other Valuable Advises
This video goes beyond just talking about an ideal Muslim husband and deals with ways to improve the family. It attempts to prevent many marital problems by advising young people who want to get married. After informing them about what makes an ideal Muslim husband, it cautions them to be concerned about these qualities ---not just the material aspects --- when considering a prospective spouse.
In fact, what emerges from the video is that being an ideal Muslim husband has very little or nothing to do with the amount of money one has, physical beauty, or the prestige of one's job. Rather, it has to do with one's commitment to Allah (), one's knowledge of and willingness to follow the guidance of Allah () and the Prophet's example, and one's commitment to do righteousness even in difficult situations. The ideal Muslim husband should be humble, gentle, kind, considerate, caring, loving, open to good advice, willing to cooperate with others in the family rather than dictate rules, helpful in the house, involved in raising the children, and never abusive either physically or mentally.
No doubt, this is a very tall order. Becoming an ideal Muslim husband will certainly not be easy. It will take a jihad against 'jahiliyyah" thinking, selfishness, ego, vanity, anger, pride, and arrogance.
Bottom Line
Full of excellent advice, encouragement, and wisdom, this video should help any Muslim husband to improve. Although there are no guarantees that he will ever become an ideal Muslim husband, it will, InshaAllah, start him on the way.
Some points what Islam has to say about the characteristics of the ideal Muslim husband and his role, responsibilities, and rights in marriage.
Most Muslim men would like to be ideal husbands. And most Muslim women would, no doubt, like to be married to one. But, for some reason, the men are not ideal husbands, and the women will almost surely admit that they didn't marry one. So, why the discrepancy between our sincere aspirations and reality? Is it an inability on the part of the man, an impossible goal; or is it perhaps that we do not even know what an ideal Muslim husband is?
Wrong Concept of an Ideal Husband
A look at the matrimonial section of an Islamic magazine will quickly demonstrate that many Muslim men and women do not know what an ideal Muslim husband is. Muslim men looking for wives advertise themselves as doctors, engineers, and financially secure. Muslim women appear to be on the lookout for an established professional or more likely a handsome MD. Rarely do Muslim men and women even mention character, religious convictions, and attitudes as a priority. At most, they might be mentioned as a sidebar. It seems that many of us believe that a man is an ideal Muslim husband if he is handsome, makes a lot of money, and comes from an influential family. And the divorce rate among Muslims continues to rise.
Standard of Judging an Ideal Husband
As Muslims, we must base our judgment on what makes an ideal Muslim husband on the guidance of Allah () and the example of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS), not on the standards of a TV sitcom, the culture in which we were born, or our own materialistic mentality.
Participants on this Video
Using examples from the life of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS), the words of the Holy Quran, and personal experience, a panel of Muslim men and women --- Dr. Abdullah Hakim Quick, Dr. Jamal Badawi, Abdallah Idris Ali, Dr. Ingrid Mattison, Khadija Haffagee, Mariam Bhabha, and Abdul Malik Mujahid --- talk about the qualities of a Muslim husband and the Muslim family.
Main Contents of this Video
They discuss such matters as a husband taking advice from his wife, communication within the family, the husband's helping the wife in the house, consultation (Shura) within the family, being a good example for the children, overlooking bad qualities in one's wife and focusing on her good qualities, and sharing the responsibility of raising the children.
First Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Hot Temper
A major problem in some Muslim marriages unfortunately is the husband's hot temper and harsh behavior. Some even go so far as to abuse their wives. Dr. Quick gives a word of warning to these men who often come from cultures that teach them to be tough and macho. He says that there should be no violence between husband and wife and that Muslim men should not be the kind of tyrannical fathers whose children run away and hide when their father comes home. He says that we have to separate our non-Islamic cultures from Islam. The ideal Muslim husband will base his behavior on Islam, not on his Arab, American, or Pakistani culture.
Second Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Egoistic
Another major problem in Muslim marriages is the husband's failure to consider his wife's opinions. In fact, Abdallah Idris Ali says that the failure of the Muslim Ummah as a whole has to do with our failure in practicing the concept of Shura (consultation). People think that they are right and others are wrong, he says. We will do much better if we consider the opinions of others and let them feel that they are a part of the decision-making process. Along the same lines, Dr. Quick points out that if a woman makes a true (haqq) point, the husband should submit to it. He should in no way reject a point just because it comes from a woman. Demonstrating the huge difference between the way the Prophet (SAWS) dealt with his wives and the way Muslim men deal with their wives today, Abdallah Idris Ali tells the story of the time when Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was sleeping under one cover with his wife Ayesha, and he asked her permission to get up to pray.
Third Characteristic of an
Un-Ideal Husband: Unhelpful
The failure to help in the house and to help with the raising of the children are well-known weaknesses of husbands. The video makes it clear that Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) helped in the house, and Abdul Malik Mujahid says that a man cannot be an ideal Muslim husband, or even close to a good husband, if he leaves the responsibility of children completely to the mother. Khadija Haffagee tells the story of a father who took a three-month-old infant to pray with him and after the prayer did the 'tasbih" on the child's hand. This, she said, was training by the father. Dr. Quick warns that when training our children, we should be careful not to raise sons with a double standard where they have no household responsibilities. If we do, they will likely grow up with the attitude that they don't need to do this kind of work --- that they are above it.
Prophet: An Ideal Father
As a beautiful example of a healthy father-child relationship, Abdul Malik Mujahid tells the story of how the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) used to stand up for his daughter Fatima, kiss her, and give her his seat when she came to him. This was in an age when people preferred sons and looked down on having daughters. With this simple act, the Prophet (SAWS) showed us how to express love and affection for our children --- an essential quality for an ideal Muslim husband.
An Ideal Ex-Husband
Being an ideal Muslim husband, however, goes even farther than the marriage, Dr. Quick points out. Even after a divorce, a Muslim husband must strive to be the best ex-husband. A husband shouldn't be Mr. Kindness in marriage and then treat his wife badly in divorce, Dr. Quick says. He must divorce her in the best manner with good treatment.
Other Valuable Advises
This video goes beyond just talking about an ideal Muslim husband and deals with ways to improve the family. It attempts to prevent many marital problems by advising young people who want to get married. After informing them about what makes an ideal Muslim husband, it cautions them to be concerned about these qualities ---not just the material aspects --- when considering a prospective spouse.
In fact, what emerges from the video is that being an ideal Muslim husband has very little or nothing to do with the amount of money one has, physical beauty, or the prestige of one's job. Rather, it has to do with one's commitment to Allah (), one's knowledge of and willingness to follow the guidance of Allah () and the Prophet's example, and one's commitment to do righteousness even in difficult situations. The ideal Muslim husband should be humble, gentle, kind, considerate, caring, loving, open to good advice, willing to cooperate with others in the family rather than dictate rules, helpful in the house, involved in raising the children, and never abusive either physically or mentally.
No doubt, this is a very tall order. Becoming an ideal Muslim husband will certainly not be easy. It will take a jihad against 'jahiliyyah" thinking, selfishness, ego, vanity, anger, pride, and arrogance.
Bottom Line
Full of excellent advice, encouragement, and wisdom, this video should help any Muslim husband to improve. Although there are no guarantees that he will ever become an ideal Muslim husband, it will, InshaAllah, start him on the way.
Islam & Marriage
Islam & Marriage
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter 'Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says: Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
Some General Tips for a Muslim Wedding
There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:
Invite the poor
According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.
Don't let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.
Invite a multiethnic audience
Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it's the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.
Practice gender privacy at your wedding
This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.
Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.
There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.
You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah's blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.
In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.
It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.
Set up a hospitality line
This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.
Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.
Have the hosts make rounds during dinner
When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.
Set the stage
It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.
Make sure to set up a gift table
Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying "Please put gifts here. Thank you."
Mind the bathrooms
Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it's a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.
Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.
Avoid making unnecessary announcements
Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter 'Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says: Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advice to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advice to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
[Muslim]
Some General Tips for a Muslim Wedding
There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:
Invite the poor
According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.
Don't let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.
Invite a multiethnic audience
Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it's the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.
Practice gender privacy at your wedding
This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.
Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.
There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.
You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah's blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.
In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.
It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.
Set up a hospitality line
This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.
Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.
Have the hosts make rounds during dinner
When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.
Set the stage
It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.
Make sure to set up a gift table
Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying "Please put gifts here. Thank you."
Mind the bathrooms
Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it's a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.
Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.
Avoid making unnecessary announcements
Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
A HAPPY CONJUGAL HOUSEHOLD
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Quran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.
THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Quran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details.
We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Quran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
THE WIFE'S DUTIES
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Quran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.
THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Quran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details.
We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Quran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
THE WIFE'S DUTIES
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.
Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of UK
Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters, answers some
frequently asked questions about marriage. These questions are
taken from the magazine called "Trends".
*********Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one's cousin or
is the reverse true - marry from afar to produce strong
progeny?
It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one's cousin nor
is the reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strong
progeny. This whole question is left to the social customs or
norms.
I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal society
that the cousin has the social right upon his female cousin and
that she is not to be offered to him first. No one may propose
to her until he has expressed his wish not to marry her. In a
way, within the Arab, particularly tribal societies, they
consider marrying within the family, more honourable, more
protective; keeping lineage pure and well established.
However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly to
the Messenger of Allah, "Marry from outside the family,
otherwise your offspring will be weak." In fact this, or
something similar, is correctly attributed to Umar ibn
Al-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, "Your offspring are
becoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin." In
discouraging this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deen
says, "Familiarity and close family tie weaken the sexual desire
in both of them. As a result, children become weak." This is not
a good reason. For surely, when partners marry, after a few
months they become familiar, there may be nothing new to attract
as they know each other inside out, but the natural desire is
there.
However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of close
relatives leads to the accumulation of negative inherited
qualities. For scientific reasons therefore it may be advisable
to marry from afar.
******* Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?
Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches.
The possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with or
familiarising oneself with the male partner-to-be was not widely
available. It was left to families, who know one another in
static immovable communities, to arrange such a proposal.
Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the family
setting. If they like one another, the match may go further and
marriage preparation proceed.
One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day that
he proposed to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, "Have you seen
her?" He said, "No".He said to him, "See her. For this would
bless your marriage with success". The same is true as far as
the girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given the
girl the right to express her views on the proposed person. He
said, "The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she
does not object, her silence is her permission." As for the
divorced or one who is widowed, no one has a say with her.
That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in accepting
or rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way.
Nowadays girls go to school and proceed to universities. They
meet with boys in classrooms, Islamic societies and at
universities up and down the country. They get to know one
another in a decent moral environment. They are mature, well
educated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be taken
into consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamicly
committed young Muslim attracts the attention of a like minded
Muslimah, their parents have to be reasonable. Of course, they
are interested in the happiness and success of the marriage of
their son or daughter, but they have to realise that they are
not buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion and
love for their children should not make them extra protective or
act as a barrier between their children and their children's
future. In the words of the hadith "If a person with satisfying
religious attitude comes to seek your daughter in marriage,
accept that. If you do not, there will be great mischief on
earth and a great trouble." At the same time young people who
are blessed with education have to show patience, understanding
and should argue their case in a rational and respectable
manner.
************ What should we look for in a partner?
It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people are
individuals and as such have different priorities when selecting
a life long partner. However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) has
given us some clues as to what is to be desired most in both men
and women. Because it is usually the male who proposes, the
address in the hadith is directed to the male would-be-suitor.
He said, "A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for her
beauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the last
and you will be the more successful." The same holds for the
female in the choice of a partner.
However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of the
qualities satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that is
required in the young woman, it is required in the man too.
Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW) as saying, "Do not give
your daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For they desire of
men what men desire of women."
The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, "My
face and his face will never look at one another" He asked her,
"Why?" She said, "I looked at him coming in the company of other
of his friends and he was the shortest and the ugliest." The
messenger asked her, "Will you return to him the dower he has
given you?" She replied, "Even if he asks more, I shall give it
to him." The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, "Take what you have
given her and release her." He did.
The age difference between potential partners should not be too
great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is
twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or
another, accepts, or he accepts, then it is their choice. But
they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the
implications of such a marriage.
A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and he
proposed to her. She looked at him and said, "I accept, but
there is a snag". He enquired to which she answered, "I have
some grey hair." The man passed on without a word. She called
out, "My uncle, look at my hair!" She had hair as black as coal.
He said to her, "Why did you say what you did?" She answered,
"To let you know that we do not like of men what they do not
like of women."
Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life long
relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the
relationship should be avoided as much as possible. Highly
educated males and females should seek partners of similar
educational background. Cultural and family background is very
important. Common language is an essential way of communicating.
Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and
relate to one another and are factors of stability and success.
Financial independence and the ability to provide a decent
acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of
insuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy
life.
All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases for
new human experience which is expected to provide a framework
for a happy, successful and amicable life. All this is to be
considered within the context of Muslims living in Britain
today.
A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. A
Muslim man has to think very seriously indeed before marrying a
woman from the people of the book and conversion just for the
sake of marriage may not be a genuine reason. In a non-Muslim
country a Muslim man has no right to bring up his children as
Muslims, and this obligation particularly if love gradually
dries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.
The question of common language, background, education and age
etc. are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise the
chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic
institution - that of marriage. However, considering the
particular position of Muslim communities living in minority
situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all
sorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial or
social. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is
a religious one. As far as language, background, or social
position are concerned, these are not significant factors that
absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place,
indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslims
living in Britain as they have common language - English, and
the social positions of their families in their countries of
origins may well be equalised living in Britain. If the
prospective partner is of a good character, strong religious
inclination and the two young people are happy and feel
compatible with one another other considerations are not of such
importance.
******* Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for
his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the
same race/caste?
There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a
fact of life. The Qur'an considers the difference of race,
colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah:
"And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and
the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are
signs for men of knowledge."(Ar-Rum:22).
In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human
equality and brotherhood: "Oh mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and
tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most
honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most
pious."
There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his
commentary on this Qur'anic verse where the messenger of Allah
condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For
the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from
a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying
among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of
AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies
of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.
But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they
start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the
daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable,
pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He
complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, "Leave it to me and I
will get him to retract from that." When Amr met Salman he said
to him, "Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the
Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give
you his daughter in marriage." Salman felt slighted by this and
thought and retorted, "By Allah, I will never accept to marry
his daughter!"
Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of
Muhammad ibn Ja'far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious.
He said to Muhammad, "You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite
women to a slave from Thaqif!" and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to
divorce her.
So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright.
It does not make a difference whether the parents are well
educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in
Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young
educated people who find themselves locked in such situations
have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would
advise them to read my article, "Guardianship in Marriage' (See
page 11 for details).
******* Should children deliberately go about altering the views
of their parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they
know is allowed but frowned upon by the others?
This should be the last resort if they really are very
emotionally attached to one another. Marriage is a solemn,
important bond. It cannot be played about with as a means of
changing die-hard customs. The marrying couple will be the
first victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if they
really love one another, so that this love may sustain them
until they are able to change the attitude of their parents,
then well and good. Though, it will not change the attitude of
the whole community.
However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type of
relationship just to change people. It may prove that the couple
do not have the common cause to sustain this gesture of
rejection. They themselves may reject the attempt. The
consequences of such actions can be far reaching.
******* What are the rituals of marriage of that are the
sacred/important ones?
There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simple
form of expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife.
The procedure is as follows: There is a young man wishing to get
married and a young woman who is ready for marriage. Their
families know one another and so the man's family approaches the
woman's family - (The opposite is also appropriate). If there is
acceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,
exploring - in a chaperoned, not in a private manner - with one
another. If they choose to settle down, some gifts may be
exchanged and a date set for the announcement of the match and
working out of the marriage preparations. The families may
arrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or house
where the formal Islamic agreement may take place.
The woman's guardian, usually the father, will say to the
would-be-husband, "I give you my daughter, (the girl in my
guardianship), in marriage in accordance to the Islamic
Shari'ah, in the presence of the witnesses here with the dowry
agreed upon. And Allah is our best witness."
The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, "I accept
marrying your daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself" -
repeating the other words. Thus, the marriage is concluded.
It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold it
in a mosque and to have some form of entertainment. In the words
of the Prophet(SAW), "Declare this marriage, have it in the
mosque and beat the drums." This is used to be the best the way
of establishing that great, sacred relationship.
******* What is dowry and who gives it to whom?
The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim woman
as part of the correct contract of marriage. The Qur'an states
in chapter 4, verse 4: "And give the women their dowries as a
free gift, but if they are pleased to offer you any of it accept
it with happiness and with wholesome pleasure."
The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: "the wealth the
wife deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract of
marriage on the consummation."
So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctly
wedded wife. It is enjoined by the Qur'an, the practical
examples of the Messenger of Allah and the consensus of the
companions of the Prophet(SAW).
There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of the
community play a great part in deciding the agreed amount to be
given as dower. In the past, families would ask of a dower
which reflects the social status of them. After the spread of
education and the maturity of age of both husband and wife,
families began to relax this custom, taking into consideration
that young people who start work after graduation do not have
much money to offer for the girls they have going to marry.
Families have come to the realisation that dower is a symbolic
gesture. It is good to start building their family life without
incurring a debt which may ruin their happiness and future
prospects. If both husband and wife are working, the families
may prefer that the young couple build their life from scratch
together, rather than burdening them with hefty dower which they
cannot afford.
It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband.
This is not a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamic
requirement is not because the man is going to buy the woman, it
is to express his love, care and the dignity of the woman.
Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, is
considered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because it
expresses these feelings.
******* Is it necessary to have a civil marriage?
It is important to have a marriage registered with the civil
authority so that it may be recognised. There are many legal
implications as a result of such a registration. Firstly, it is
the recognised marriage in this country. The civil marriage if
it is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses amounts to
a correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect which
leads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating,
although these things are not required Islamicly.
Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement to
inheritance, pension and legal documentation are not accepted by
the authority. For the sake of legality it must be registered.
In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrative
obligation to register the marriage. This is to officiate and
recognise all aspects that come from the marital relationship.
So, if for nothing else, it is a must for the sake of the
children.
********** Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is
one required to spend huge sums on a wedding?
Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages.
Moderation is the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim's
life. Weddings should not be ostentatious nor are they supposed
to be expressions of pride and competition. It is not fair for
the parents or the young couple to start their life debt ridden
as a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of hours or a
little longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage should
not be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties,
expensive hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided.
But at the same time, it should not be a dull and gloomy
occasion. It is an occasion of great joy and happiness and
should be celebrated as such.
The most important is the walima - the dinner party. It is the
sunnah so that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come to
share the joy of the occasion, to give thanks to Allah and to
entertain needy people within the community.
This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was the
responsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW)
saw some coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about it
and AbdurRahman replied, "I got married". The Prophet(SAW) told
him, "Make a walima with at least one lamb." The Prophet(SAW)
himself made a number of walimas each time he got married. The
walimas differed according to the financial position of the
time. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly three
hundred people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On other
occasions the Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bring
whatever food was available.
The important part is the coming together, sharing the happiness
and advertising the new relationship in a moderate and
inexpensive manner.
********** Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities
where girls or boys marry without parental consent,
knowledge or approval?
The word used in the question, `secret', is anathema to the
concept of marriage which is a relationship built to secure
peace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights and
obligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These include
the honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family and
relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances,
even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they
face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the
young couple tire of one another after taking what they want
from one another? Who loses in such situations? That is why
Muslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even though
other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that the
Shari'ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every
available way. They quote a number of statements of the
Prophet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, "There
is no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Any
arrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid." Another
statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, "Any marriage not attended
by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. They
are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses."
Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as
common marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well
documented marriage. The first is when marriage takes place
without being officially recorded. But it takes place within the
family, is known among the friends and neighbours but for other
reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing
unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious
marriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.
The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question.
When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two
friends to witness the marriage with the understanding that they
do not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did not
register it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquil
marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The
comment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of
the Islamic Shari'ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is
that "We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is
far from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls'
honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as a
judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases
resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah's Shari'ah has to be
respectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in this
particular matter must be shunned."
And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.
Guardianship in Marriage by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah
Publications FAO Ashfaq Ali, 841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3
8QJ
Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters, answers some
frequently asked questions about marriage. These questions are
taken from the magazine called "Trends".
*********Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one's cousin or
is the reverse true - marry from afar to produce strong
progeny?
It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one's cousin nor
is the reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strong
progeny. This whole question is left to the social customs or
norms.
I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal society
that the cousin has the social right upon his female cousin and
that she is not to be offered to him first. No one may propose
to her until he has expressed his wish not to marry her. In a
way, within the Arab, particularly tribal societies, they
consider marrying within the family, more honourable, more
protective; keeping lineage pure and well established.
However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly to
the Messenger of Allah, "Marry from outside the family,
otherwise your offspring will be weak." In fact this, or
something similar, is correctly attributed to Umar ibn
Al-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, "Your offspring are
becoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin." In
discouraging this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deen
says, "Familiarity and close family tie weaken the sexual desire
in both of them. As a result, children become weak." This is not
a good reason. For surely, when partners marry, after a few
months they become familiar, there may be nothing new to attract
as they know each other inside out, but the natural desire is
there.
However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of close
relatives leads to the accumulation of negative inherited
qualities. For scientific reasons therefore it may be advisable
to marry from afar.
******* Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?
Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches.
The possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with or
familiarising oneself with the male partner-to-be was not widely
available. It was left to families, who know one another in
static immovable communities, to arrange such a proposal.
Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the family
setting. If they like one another, the match may go further and
marriage preparation proceed.
One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day that
he proposed to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, "Have you seen
her?" He said, "No".He said to him, "See her. For this would
bless your marriage with success". The same is true as far as
the girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given the
girl the right to express her views on the proposed person. He
said, "The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she
does not object, her silence is her permission." As for the
divorced or one who is widowed, no one has a say with her.
That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in accepting
or rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way.
Nowadays girls go to school and proceed to universities. They
meet with boys in classrooms, Islamic societies and at
universities up and down the country. They get to know one
another in a decent moral environment. They are mature, well
educated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be taken
into consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamicly
committed young Muslim attracts the attention of a like minded
Muslimah, their parents have to be reasonable. Of course, they
are interested in the happiness and success of the marriage of
their son or daughter, but they have to realise that they are
not buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion and
love for their children should not make them extra protective or
act as a barrier between their children and their children's
future. In the words of the hadith "If a person with satisfying
religious attitude comes to seek your daughter in marriage,
accept that. If you do not, there will be great mischief on
earth and a great trouble." At the same time young people who
are blessed with education have to show patience, understanding
and should argue their case in a rational and respectable
manner.
************ What should we look for in a partner?
It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people are
individuals and as such have different priorities when selecting
a life long partner. However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) has
given us some clues as to what is to be desired most in both men
and women. Because it is usually the male who proposes, the
address in the hadith is directed to the male would-be-suitor.
He said, "A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for her
beauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the last
and you will be the more successful." The same holds for the
female in the choice of a partner.
However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of the
qualities satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that is
required in the young woman, it is required in the man too.
Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW) as saying, "Do not give
your daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For they desire of
men what men desire of women."
The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, "My
face and his face will never look at one another" He asked her,
"Why?" She said, "I looked at him coming in the company of other
of his friends and he was the shortest and the ugliest." The
messenger asked her, "Will you return to him the dower he has
given you?" She replied, "Even if he asks more, I shall give it
to him." The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, "Take what you have
given her and release her." He did.
The age difference between potential partners should not be too
great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is
twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or
another, accepts, or he accepts, then it is their choice. But
they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the
implications of such a marriage.
A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and he
proposed to her. She looked at him and said, "I accept, but
there is a snag". He enquired to which she answered, "I have
some grey hair." The man passed on without a word. She called
out, "My uncle, look at my hair!" She had hair as black as coal.
He said to her, "Why did you say what you did?" She answered,
"To let you know that we do not like of men what they do not
like of women."
Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life long
relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the
relationship should be avoided as much as possible. Highly
educated males and females should seek partners of similar
educational background. Cultural and family background is very
important. Common language is an essential way of communicating.
Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and
relate to one another and are factors of stability and success.
Financial independence and the ability to provide a decent
acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of
insuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy
life.
All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases for
new human experience which is expected to provide a framework
for a happy, successful and amicable life. All this is to be
considered within the context of Muslims living in Britain
today.
A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. A
Muslim man has to think very seriously indeed before marrying a
woman from the people of the book and conversion just for the
sake of marriage may not be a genuine reason. In a non-Muslim
country a Muslim man has no right to bring up his children as
Muslims, and this obligation particularly if love gradually
dries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.
The question of common language, background, education and age
etc. are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise the
chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic
institution - that of marriage. However, considering the
particular position of Muslim communities living in minority
situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all
sorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial or
social. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is
a religious one. As far as language, background, or social
position are concerned, these are not significant factors that
absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place,
indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslims
living in Britain as they have common language - English, and
the social positions of their families in their countries of
origins may well be equalised living in Britain. If the
prospective partner is of a good character, strong religious
inclination and the two young people are happy and feel
compatible with one another other considerations are not of such
importance.
******* Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for
his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the
same race/caste?
There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a
fact of life. The Qur'an considers the difference of race,
colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah:
"And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and
the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are
signs for men of knowledge."(Ar-Rum:22).
In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human
equality and brotherhood: "Oh mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and
tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most
honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most
pious."
There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his
commentary on this Qur'anic verse where the messenger of Allah
condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For
the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from
a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying
among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of
AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies
of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.
But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they
start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the
daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable,
pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He
complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, "Leave it to me and I
will get him to retract from that." When Amr met Salman he said
to him, "Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the
Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give
you his daughter in marriage." Salman felt slighted by this and
thought and retorted, "By Allah, I will never accept to marry
his daughter!"
Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of
Muhammad ibn Ja'far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious.
He said to Muhammad, "You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite
women to a slave from Thaqif!" and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to
divorce her.
So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright.
It does not make a difference whether the parents are well
educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in
Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young
educated people who find themselves locked in such situations
have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would
advise them to read my article, "Guardianship in Marriage' (See
page 11 for details).
******* Should children deliberately go about altering the views
of their parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they
know is allowed but frowned upon by the others?
This should be the last resort if they really are very
emotionally attached to one another. Marriage is a solemn,
important bond. It cannot be played about with as a means of
changing die-hard customs. The marrying couple will be the
first victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if they
really love one another, so that this love may sustain them
until they are able to change the attitude of their parents,
then well and good. Though, it will not change the attitude of
the whole community.
However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type of
relationship just to change people. It may prove that the couple
do not have the common cause to sustain this gesture of
rejection. They themselves may reject the attempt. The
consequences of such actions can be far reaching.
******* What are the rituals of marriage of that are the
sacred/important ones?
There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simple
form of expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife.
The procedure is as follows: There is a young man wishing to get
married and a young woman who is ready for marriage. Their
families know one another and so the man's family approaches the
woman's family - (The opposite is also appropriate). If there is
acceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,
exploring - in a chaperoned, not in a private manner - with one
another. If they choose to settle down, some gifts may be
exchanged and a date set for the announcement of the match and
working out of the marriage preparations. The families may
arrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or house
where the formal Islamic agreement may take place.
The woman's guardian, usually the father, will say to the
would-be-husband, "I give you my daughter, (the girl in my
guardianship), in marriage in accordance to the Islamic
Shari'ah, in the presence of the witnesses here with the dowry
agreed upon. And Allah is our best witness."
The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, "I accept
marrying your daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself" -
repeating the other words. Thus, the marriage is concluded.
It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold it
in a mosque and to have some form of entertainment. In the words
of the Prophet(SAW), "Declare this marriage, have it in the
mosque and beat the drums." This is used to be the best the way
of establishing that great, sacred relationship.
******* What is dowry and who gives it to whom?
The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim woman
as part of the correct contract of marriage. The Qur'an states
in chapter 4, verse 4: "And give the women their dowries as a
free gift, but if they are pleased to offer you any of it accept
it with happiness and with wholesome pleasure."
The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: "the wealth the
wife deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract of
marriage on the consummation."
So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctly
wedded wife. It is enjoined by the Qur'an, the practical
examples of the Messenger of Allah and the consensus of the
companions of the Prophet(SAW).
There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of the
community play a great part in deciding the agreed amount to be
given as dower. In the past, families would ask of a dower
which reflects the social status of them. After the spread of
education and the maturity of age of both husband and wife,
families began to relax this custom, taking into consideration
that young people who start work after graduation do not have
much money to offer for the girls they have going to marry.
Families have come to the realisation that dower is a symbolic
gesture. It is good to start building their family life without
incurring a debt which may ruin their happiness and future
prospects. If both husband and wife are working, the families
may prefer that the young couple build their life from scratch
together, rather than burdening them with hefty dower which they
cannot afford.
It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband.
This is not a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamic
requirement is not because the man is going to buy the woman, it
is to express his love, care and the dignity of the woman.
Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, is
considered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because it
expresses these feelings.
******* Is it necessary to have a civil marriage?
It is important to have a marriage registered with the civil
authority so that it may be recognised. There are many legal
implications as a result of such a registration. Firstly, it is
the recognised marriage in this country. The civil marriage if
it is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses amounts to
a correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect which
leads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating,
although these things are not required Islamicly.
Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement to
inheritance, pension and legal documentation are not accepted by
the authority. For the sake of legality it must be registered.
In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrative
obligation to register the marriage. This is to officiate and
recognise all aspects that come from the marital relationship.
So, if for nothing else, it is a must for the sake of the
children.
********** Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is
one required to spend huge sums on a wedding?
Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages.
Moderation is the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim's
life. Weddings should not be ostentatious nor are they supposed
to be expressions of pride and competition. It is not fair for
the parents or the young couple to start their life debt ridden
as a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of hours or a
little longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage should
not be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties,
expensive hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided.
But at the same time, it should not be a dull and gloomy
occasion. It is an occasion of great joy and happiness and
should be celebrated as such.
The most important is the walima - the dinner party. It is the
sunnah so that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come to
share the joy of the occasion, to give thanks to Allah and to
entertain needy people within the community.
This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was the
responsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW)
saw some coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about it
and AbdurRahman replied, "I got married". The Prophet(SAW) told
him, "Make a walima with at least one lamb." The Prophet(SAW)
himself made a number of walimas each time he got married. The
walimas differed according to the financial position of the
time. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly three
hundred people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On other
occasions the Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bring
whatever food was available.
The important part is the coming together, sharing the happiness
and advertising the new relationship in a moderate and
inexpensive manner.
********** Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities
where girls or boys marry without parental consent,
knowledge or approval?
The word used in the question, `secret', is anathema to the
concept of marriage which is a relationship built to secure
peace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights and
obligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These include
the honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family and
relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances,
even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they
face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the
young couple tire of one another after taking what they want
from one another? Who loses in such situations? That is why
Muslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even though
other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that the
Shari'ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every
available way. They quote a number of statements of the
Prophet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, "There
is no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Any
arrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid." Another
statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, "Any marriage not attended
by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. They
are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses."
Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as
common marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well
documented marriage. The first is when marriage takes place
without being officially recorded. But it takes place within the
family, is known among the friends and neighbours but for other
reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing
unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious
marriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.
The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question.
When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two
friends to witness the marriage with the understanding that they
do not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did not
register it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquil
marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The
comment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of
the Islamic Shari'ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is
that "We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is
far from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls'
honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as a
judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases
resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah's Shari'ah has to be
respectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in this
particular matter must be shunned."
And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.
Guardianship in Marriage by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah
Publications FAO Ashfaq Ali, 841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3
8QJ
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